Not much to say really... In a place, battling finances and other things, working on getting my disability but not expecting to get it and of course trying to find decent paying work in the mean time. Dealing with personal issues ad ghosts from the past also. Organizing my life and trying to manage things has been one royal fucking bitch as of late. The car is still running, bugs are gone and needing help to get my stuffs out of storage.

As for everything else, some friends are the same, others I trust more and one formerly good friend of a few years is gone from my life, by his choice and his mates, not by my choice.

There are plenty of rants I could put here but I will save those for another post.

I have finally been moved into a place and now the logistics of getting my shit out of storage and to the new place lies ahead. I am glad the homeless experience is over, and I hope to never go through it again. Gonna be running plenty of scenarios so I will be better prepared should it happen again. I am still a outcast right now, I still cannot return home... I was told something that day by my father and some of the comments I heard that he has made in regards to me, but I will deal with that issue once and for all when the time comes to deal with it.

As for the future, things are still undecided, and I cannot tell if good or bad really lies ahead. There is a lot depending on getting disability and getting back online on a more permanent basis.

So for now this is it... Off the street and pulling it all back together....

Well as I stated... This is just a update on my current situation here in Tulsa, so lets begin this update...

First off, I am still homeless but have accepted the situation and found a program that helps people get back into a place to live and to help prevent homelessness to those who are looking at that. It's called the rapid rehousing program and this could be the saving grace to get me into a place as early as the weekend. If everything fails then I might have to wait till the 11th of november to move into a place, but I will deal with that when the time comes, as I do have a annoying yet simple backup plan for housing as it gets colder and to allow for funds to be built up so that I can get moved into a place and my friend William agrees... It's a last ditch backup plan but the only reason I haven't done this plan is cause I have to turn myself in for traffic warrants... that would buy me 6 days in the county jail (free room and board + meals) and then from another issue, much older than this, would pay off those fines from like 8 years ago but would take 26 - 30 days in teh county jail ($25/day paid towards fines). The only other option besides the program or jail is to still go at it as planned but that would not be a good idea as there is no definate way of knowing if me and Wiliam would be able to get a place together (for clarification: William is st8 and just my best friend, nothing more other than being a bro.).

Now that there is hope in getting housing before the winter really sets in and I have to break out a can of whoop ass on that  "Wolf at the door" just to get some food and shelter... lol No really... The next item is that the car I have been living in has finally been washed and cleaned and is still uncomfortable but at least now others shouldn't be afraid to ride in it for the mess inside... lol.

My friends have been letting me do laundry at their place so I have clean and warm clothing and blankets now, and that should make things better if not a little more sterile so I have less of a chance of getting sick. What gets me here is how many sick people there are with regular colds and the H1N1 virus, and given my health status, both could pose serious problems, which by the way is another reason to get into a place and not live in my car anymore.

So there ya go.... A update with commentary and sarcasm.

So that ends this update and in the immortal words of Walter Cronkite...."And that's the way it is...."

I learned quite a bit about people and friendships. What the limits are and how far are they really willing to go to help me when I need the help. Recently I just ran out of food, have very few warm places to stay and have had a hard time in general with everything.
One of the worst parts is the excess time on my hands, I don't even know how to manage it let alone begin managing them.

On one side of all this is the realization of the need for shelter, then food. I live in my car which is running low on gas so it will be hard to keep it running on those cold days when I need the extra heat to be able to sleep in the car. Also without any food that I can utilize, I will also expect to see the side effects of prolonged absence of food. I still have my clothing and some of my sanity left.

I have officially become outcast now since I cannot even go home. I have become that which I used to dread being near, someone who is homeless and has nothing left. I am the same way except for what I have in storage,  and the car, otherwise I would be doing much much worse at the moment.

Anyhow, that is about it.... Have fun and appreciate what you have... Being homeless is not fun....

Well I have been homeless since saturday and have managed to make it this far.... I have kinda become a burden to my friends by imposing on them to hang out.  I spend most of my time sleeping in the car when I can find a safe area to do that. Sometimes I just hang out late and move to another place to hang out just so I do have a safe haven from the world out there, even if it is for a few mins...

I did want my friends to know that I am sorry for how it seems, but put yourself in my shoes and see how you react.... I know there are times when problems happen and we forget that some day that it could be us in this situation. I never imagined this kind of a situation as happening me but it did, and I still try and be the nice person I always try to be...

I try to take everything into consideration, but there are times when that doesn't happen. Being in this situation has given me a new perspective on many things and will in no doubt change me forever. I don't know how this is going to change me but it will probably be enough that I will never be the same.

I'll leave things at that as I suspect I have worn out my welcome here for the rest of the evening.... *Remembers to stay objective*

Tonight was supposed to be spent with friends but they got excluded from some things because someone didn't want me around when they came by due to a ongoing dispute. I decided that they deserved the right to be included in things and to keep the peace I left. It fucked up my night but it makes me wonder if I really need friends anymore. Do I need them, to have as friends or just consider them aquaintences or just drop them all together???

Some things just don't make sense to me anymore.....

I normally don't update this much, but recently I have started a new project that has great potential to help with legalization both at federal and state levels of government. Currently this project is in Phase I - Survey data collection. This project is active and the working time table shows this phase completing in May/June of 2009. If all goes well then Phase II begins and I will start working on ballot proposals and legislative proposals to push for a ballot measure in Oklahoma and for trying to get the Federal Government out of Marijuana laws.

Many people do not agree with this subject and even more think this effort will fail as all the others have in the past. This project is taking a unique approach to the subject and results will be available online by June.

Thank You for understanding and any support you wish to offer is always welcome.

Feel free to leave a comment but they will be screened first.

Recently, things turned to shit from being decent and all due to my roomie and ex getting a DUI recently which has deprived me of a vehicle to use, and to top it off I have a important job interview today and have to find change just to take the damned bus there and back. Also because of this, one of my best friends has been having a major breakdown about life and love and it hurts that I can do nothing to help him out. If I had my car back and not having it in impound and costing a large chunk of change to get it out.

I thought things were looking up with this help desk job coming my way and making through the first 2 interviews, and now making it to the final and most important one is gonna be a pain. I thought things here were doing well, yet when it comes time to rely on my friends for help all I get is excuses or they just say nothing and never answer. Fate likes to fuck things up in a grand fashion and so far it is doing quite well at it.

Right now, other than the job interview and getting smokes (keeps me sane) are the biggest things I have to worry about besides getting the car back and helping my best friend deal with all the shit he has to cope with and go through.

Now as I have come to realize I cannot count on most of my friends, they should know they can't count on me anymore. My best friend can always count on me, along with my friends Darren and Matt, but as far as everyone else goes... Not anymore.... The rest of you proved the value of our friendship, and that was to make it pointless.... You are not the friends I thought you to be.... You won't help me when I need it (which is rarely ever) and when my best friend who is your friend also needs it, you just fucking ignore him. Right now I really wish one friend who is in North Carolina was back, at least he could be counted on and has proven it.... Maybe he could teach the rest a lesson about what friendship really is.

I have always gone out of my way for people and yet when I need the help it's either not there, excuses or just being blown off.... but I will set out what I think friends should be and if I'm wrong, well then fucking shoot me.

Friends - The most important things

Loyalty - Willing to go so far as to drop what your doing to help a friend when they need help, regardless of the circumstances going on at the time. To give of yourself unconditionally to make sure they get the help they need. (There are a few who really need to learn this lesson)

Hanging out together and doing things together, building bonds of trust and taking risks together and watching each other's back. I am willing to give of myself when I have the resources available and have no problems with sharing those resources. When my best friend needs help, no one seems to be there for him but me (locally) and a friend who lives out of state now. We have been the only ones I know of working to help my best friend.  Friends if true are worth taking risks for when it comes to helping them out.

So certain people need to take notice.... I will not be able to help you out anymore.... When I needed the help you didn't give it and refused to help, and same thing when my best friend asked you to do the same and help him.

Oh and just so certain people know.... Your being reevaluated to see if I can trust you and to see if we should still be friends or if it would be better off just being acquaintances. The dynamic of everything here is changed, nothing will be the same anymore.

Earlier today, a friend of mine went into his usual mood swing regarding a his being alone and reflecting on someone very special and close to him who passed away a few years ago. He has had a lot done to him by others and he needs to learn to forgive that as well, but what he needs to do most is learn to forgive himself for not being able to be there.

It took me a long time to forgive a lot of the shit that has happened to me over the 43 years I have been alive, but I finally found the peace of mind I so desperately needed when I finally forgave myself. My actions did result in loosing a cat called "Tiners" and that was due to ignorance and just not caring that one day. It was eating me alive and I couldn't figure it out.... I forgave everyone I know for everything they did to me but I forgot to forgive the one person that matters most.... Myself. I will never forget and will never repeat those actions ever again, but I have forgiven myself for my carelessness, ignorance and not giving a damned about things and the rotten day I had when all this happened.

It's pretty damned amazing what happens when you forgive people for what they have done, but it's even more amazing to forgive yourself. We are only human and we make mistakes or something beyond our control happens that effects many things.  I cannot blame anyone for what has happened to me as it is the course in life we all follow... good or bad.

I have searched recently for "enlightenment" as it were, and I found it....

I finally forgave myself, and with that my eyes finally opened... It all makes sense now.

Well things have gotten quite as of late and nothing really new has happend. I looked at making a foray into the political arena but found that it cost money to run for anything, even something as simple as city councel, I was considering this after a discussion with a friend of mine but I guess I should have listened to Cory in the first place. He has a grip on things political and he was right. So I will not be entering into any politics except as a advocate for change or to lobby for change.

As with things financial, it's still screwed up and I am looking for a new job and hope to have one soon. Right now there are 2 helpdesk positions I have applied for, along with applying for IT support and Gaming tech at the creek casino.

Times right now are hard enough as is, and the food stamps have helped immensely. I still feel bad about using the pantry at St. Jerome's but if needed I still will use it. As for other things, the winter storm was not as bad as it could have been and everything is coming out fine on that. Friends are still the same and nothing out of the ordinary there. Everyone here misses Rasi, and that includes me since he seems to be good at keeping me on my toes and keeping my mind engaged in debate. Hope all is well for him back home and that he comes back sometime soon. Greg really misses him being around.

Well that is the general summary of things for now.... Hopefully my sister and dad can breath easily knowing I'm still holding on to things despite all that has happened over the past few months.

I thought I had already lived life with the things I have done and being a loner most of my life without the attachments and confines of life and relationships. Now things in my life have changed and I realized many things over the past few days, and the final conclusion it to finally life my life to the fullest and stop playing it safe and take a chance.

I have taken chances with myself all my life and survived everyone of them, only to take a chance that changed everything due to the arrogance that used to be me and thinking nothing could touch me. I know now that isn't the case and it's time to just live finally and enjoy the rest of my life.

I have always wanted to go skiing (both snow and water), skydiving and deep water diving, to learning how to fly whether by plane or glider. Just a few things I avoided due to "safety concerns". Over the years I have not once found the time nor the reason to do these things and take the risks that are inherent to them and other activities.

Now I have to take those chances and experience life for what it has to offer. One way or another I will get those chances again and plan to make good use of them. I don't want to live my life fading away and always doubting and questioning things.... I finally learned to take things as they are and trying to live the rest of the "glory days" that I thought were gone. I have plenty of life and spirit left in me and now at this juncture in life, I have to take that chance and quit being so damned conservative. I didn't used to be this way, and now I have to change and take the risks like I used to and embrace what is left for me to live.

My life has changed and in a sense for the better. One of the ideas I have right now is called couch surfing and a client of the company I used to work for introduced me to this concept....

Couch surfing is hosting visitors you meet online such as other furs you have talked to online for a while and let then stay with you for a few days on the way to a con or something else. You get to meet them, live in their world for a few days, saving cost and meeting furs along the way. I hope to start doing that once I get moved into where I want to be and move out of this apartment/condo and into a nice house for a change. Then I can start hosting friends and eventually do the same with friends when I am traveling. Again, it's called couch surfing and a lot of people do it and have really enjoyed it. I was always hesitant to try it or just to damned busy for it, but now I have time on my hand somewhat and think this would be a great way to meet some of the wonderful furs I have met online over the last few years, and maybe even find that mate I so want to be with. I know of one, but that has been a up in the air thing for a while and waiting patiently and not experiencing life and it's opportunities and possibilities is no longer a option for me.

I plan on doing so much more with my life now that after all these years, it takes one event to make me realize that life really is short and should be enjoyed to the fullest and not wasted. I have always had the heart of a explorer and the curiosity that a cat has, and yet I wasted them before, letting opportunities knock and go away unanswered. I have had a conservative, responsible side to me for many years, and it's time to break the chain.

Life is in itself a miracle for a lack of any better words.... It's time to live and time to stop waiting.... I can't continue to hope life will come to me, but rather have to go to life and experience it for what it is, risks and all, to not be afraid of my future but rather to embrace the possibilities.....

I have to thank Mono, Kashi, Matt, Casey, Darren and especially Shep.... Without these friends, none of this would have been possible, and to Ian, for personal reasons and some of the things he helped me realize while helping him answer the questions no one helped me with so long ago when I needed them.

Life is a endless treasure, waiting for us to explore and gather, to fill ourselves with this treasure, and the richness oif life that comes with it.... To all my friends... Thank you and the same to those I meet and make along the way.

First off, I would like to say that I deleted my last post due to the fact that when I wrote it, I wasn't in a good mood.... Was kinda pissed and all. Secondly, I have started recently thinking on moving out and maybe even moving away as things here with friends are falling apart. There are just so many things changing right now that I really don't know what to think. I posted this on F4L and it seems to sum up everything and how I feel.... So read on if you wish, or comment, cause in all due honesty, I don't care much anymore.

F4L Post

Now that you read that... Have a good one.....

Recently I received news regarding my health and I have only told but a few friends about it and I am still reluctant to mention anything regarding it except that there are serious changes in my life that I will have to deal with. One of them and the most important is that I have to change my behavior so first thing to change is Hooking Up with others and I have incentive enough for that. He is called Ryu here and is a driving force to promote that change in me. I will be eating healthier and taking better care of myself including exercising, starting up vitamins again and other healthy things. Next is gonna make my friend Shep happy, but I am considering giving up smoking for the sake of health and this will not be easy. As time goes on I will post more details regarding all this, but for now I have to complete the necessary stuffs to do HDAP, SSD and FS in order to maintain a comfortable life. I am still looking for a job despite the job market being crap and the holidays don't help that much either.

Right now my life is chaotic and in need of sorting out some.... Then I should be able to post more....

I think of someone right now who I wish was here and could be by this summer. I have never fallen out of love with him and have rekindled that spirit in me that keeps me going. There is hope again on the horizon, but there are hurdles to overcome and tomorrow is the first of them. Only time can tell what will happen next.... But I wanted someone (and they know who they are) to know that no matter what happens, that I will always love you.

I am so alone without you here in my arms to hold and keep you safe. Only one person has ever made me feel this way.....

I love you Kitten <3

I had ranted a bit earlier about visions and other events and all have happened as expected. Last night the vision of the face I saw in a sleeping dream (when you startto  fall asleep) and wondered who it is.... Well now I know and his name is Matt. He works with my roommate (JD) and will now be our new roommate. He is cool as hell and very open minded and even is cute for 30. he has traveled the hard road in life and now joins everyone I know. All the visions, prophecies and the such are now complete. life from this point has become interesting to say the least and will never be the same again and this is a good thing. Also Matt tends to think like me and my friends and he will fit in great with everyone I know. It's been a strange year and the next one promises only to be more interesting and full of surprises..... It's all coming together finally....

Well after being somewhat quite with being sick and what not, I am finally starting to feel better again and soon my birthday shall be upon me again. My Dads is coming up on the 4th and niece & nephew on the 11th and then me and my bro on the 15th. And of course there is christmas day on the 25th.... Time for folks to give up the goods.... Dammit it's my birthday and I wants stuffs and $$$$... hehe.

Also been hanging out alot with friends and having a blast at it. Sister is coming to visit around birthday time and hopefully we can get her to go to one of the bonfires me and my friends usually have during the week.  I would like her to meet some of them and they would like to do the same considering I do talk nicely about my sister who really is a awesome person to know.

As for the job search I am actively looking again and as far as relationships go, well things are kinda complicated at the moment and I have removed myself from my search for a mate till I know if things will turn out with someone special and he knows who he is and maybe it will turn into the relationship I have been hoping for.

As for that,  I finally have my facebook set up and my tagged profile has been updated also. I have started shutting down my adult profiles online and will only leave a few so I can stay in touch with some friends I made through those profiles.

Well that should let ya know what has been up while I have not been posting recently.... Time to run... Later!!!!

Sometimes there are things we have to remember that we take for granted. I won't go into these things but today just reminded me of things I need to remember to be grateful for. Loyalty, Honor and Integrity, I am grateful for learning. As for family I am grateful for them.

I don't know why but just out of the blue, these moments hit and you just gotta wonder about things....

Enjoy this image as it is my favorite one of all time.....

http://pics.livejournal.com/tulsadragon/gallery/000024f3

Feel free to tell me what you think of this one.

Ryu, 17 years ago you were spawned in your mother.... Whether by fate or destiny you are finally at the age you so waited for and I am glad you have made it.... Welcome to 17 and the first steps in becoming a tiger and leaving the kitten behind. Your journey is beginning and all those who care will be here for you during this journey in life.

I love you as I always have....

Happy 17th Birthday!!!!

Tomorrow is Veterans Day and we should remember to thank all those who gave all for the freedoms we still enjoy. Without them we would be worse off than we are now. To my father who fought in Viet-Nam, Happy Veterans Day!

Growing up with the military and what it means, I have but one thing to say to those Men and Women now deployed around the world.... Our greatest respects to all of you and what you stand for. You are what makes this county great and keeps us free. Despite what may be, you are why we are here, you are what preserves our freedoms and way of life from those who would do us harm. Men, Women, Sons, Dughters, Husbands and Wives.... all fight for the same thing and this is their day. Respect them and the freedoms we have due to their sacrifices.

We may not agree with war or it's reasons, but in wartime and peace, we thank you all for everything you have done. Bless everyone, Past, Present or Future Armed Forces....

You gave all so we wouldn't have too... Amen